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Tuesday, June 5th, 2001
12:21 am - next project: go mad
Liam is an alcoholic, even though he refrains from it when he visits Ede, he cannot help but return to it. His Magic Memory Potion. Willa loves men. When she finally marries she has more and more children, finding herself stuck with them. Then her husband runs off for a younger woman, the kind of woman she was. Malahide will never leave his parents house because he simply cannot move from where he is. He has no will, and little inspiration (except for that once, when Lizzie thrust some life into him with his own). Frederick is stuck climbing up and down society's latter, and Ede is stuck to him. She has lost her independence and strong will, and the beauty she had which resulted from those qualities radiating within her. (remember how she swore at her brother on her wedding day? mm!)

they are all more mad than Lily, whose madness is proclaimed. Her tendencies, methods and manners of escaping, these are visible. Her madness transcends theirs because she knows no shame. While they can hide behind "the human condition" to justify their maddness, Lilly..shameless, requires nothing to justify her own condition.

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Tuesday, May 29th, 2001
8:10 am
it is early morning..i am sleepy. i stretch. i am stretching stretchin stretching and then i am broken.

but that's okay.

i want to get high and watch tv, right now. do you know some people can sleep over 4 hours a night?

i want to get high and fall asleep, right now.

time to put on clothing things and waddle off to school.

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Monday, May 28th, 2001
11:50 pm
there are places where my body itches - thigh, lower back, neck. i take tears from my face and rub them inside these places. i must be alive, right?

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11:17 pm - a journal entry for me
I think i need to find my green journal? It is always finished. I always have difficulties writing in journals when they are almost finished.

i think i will teach didu compassion so she stops hurting me so much.

my wrist really hurts too - damn wrist, I'll teach you some compassion!

let me tell you where I am. I was telling my father on the phone today (as he's away on for business - he's always his busy-ness when I have these crazy times) that I don't understand what I'm doing wrong when I do things wrong for teachers. I explained to him about my essay situation in biology, and the text that I over correctly. He said, "You shouldn't lose marks for thinking differently."

I tried to explain to him..that is what school is all about!

it tires me out. I am trying to organize an event but no one is doing the stuff assigned to them. i'm not anything of a dictator, i'll just fret and suppose it will all fall to place.

marged sent me a bubblegum card! she just got married. I want to get married.

this is supposed to help? it isn't helping.
oh boy.

summersummersummer summer summer summer. come quickly, please. and never leave me.

don't want you people reading any part of what i feel today.

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10:54 pm - part of:
alligators and crocodiles and i had you for a little while. when i got back from new york city you kissed my lips. will you love me and touch me just like it used to be when i get back from new york city. and i got so fucked up i couldn't get up. but i had so much to say to you. i sat there like a buffalo, like someone you didn't even know. and i didn't say anything at all. codeine and shakespeare..and you look so lovely dear.

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10:53 pm
in hanvana the stars shine so brightly
like a thousand yellow lemons in the sky above me
all the way from -places i can't spell - to -places i can't spell-
camillo, _)___?
you looked down of us
from the poster pinned to the back of the bus
and my darling i hope you remembered
to remember me
in havana where the stars shine so brightly
like a thousand yellow lemons in the sky above me
in havana the stars shine so brightly

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10:51 pm
i can see in your great green eyes
the mystery of ___ and the sky
so lonely like looking back
and I
a breeze and you once blew
i caught the morning dew
so lovely like looking in
to your eye

like a river bound for a sea
like the crest beyond the tree
drunk as can be
i taught myself to be
old shoes, lonely eye
so far out of sight
old shoes, lonely eye
so far out of sight
old shoes, lonely eye

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10:49 pm
baby sojourn yourself with me
beyond roses and daffodils
beyond that which i have never been
sojourn yourself with me
baby, sojourn yourself with me
you take my -part i don't know

and the colour of my skin
all of which I will never need
beyond roses and daffadils
sojourn yourself here with me
baby sojourn yourself here with me

beyond roses and daffodils
baby believe in me

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10:44 pm
baby let your heart out
let it out to me right now
baby wont you please let your heart out for a little while
let it out to me right now

cause there's a cool wind blowing
and virgin snow everywhere falling
and there's not a reason in this world
for you not to let your heart out to me right now


baby let your heart out
let it out to me right now
baby won't you please let your heart out for a little while
let it out to me right now

and at the break of day
after all the stars are gone away
we can get high and watch tv
our big fat red hearts hanging down to our knees
baby let your heart out
let it out to me right now

baby won't you please
let your heart out for a little while

let it out to me right now
baby let your heart out to me right now

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10:42 pm
the song of the street cars
rattles my heart
and keeps me up all of the time
they clatter and they bang
they rumble like (g)rain
all through the night

they sound as lonely
as lonely as anything
lonely as anything
at all

its just the sound of steel
scraping on steel
that reminds me
that you're gone

gone to a town
where everyone hangs around
on hard wood floors
they all smoke
american cigarettes
and wish they were
william burroughs

and do you miss me
do you miss me
at all
when you hear the streetcars go by
do you miss me
do you miss me at all
when you hear the streetcars go by


and i looked up at the moon
and i thought of you
and i thought of me
and i wished were near me
to drink with me
get drunk as can be

cause I remember quite clearly
so plainly
you said you'd never go far from me
you said wouldn't leave me
so what does that mean
now that you're gone

and do you miss me
do you miss me at all
when you hear the streetcars go by
do you miss me
do you miss me at all
when you hear the streetcars go by

do you miss me
do you miss me at all
when you hear the streetcars go by
do you miss me
do you miss me at all
when you hear the streetcars go by

when you hear the streetcars go by

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10:38 pm
i am a ryth
i am a restless youth
but I shall keep with you
I will not follow
the travailiers underneath
no I will shall keep with thee
no winterwind
shall chill my soul
no spirit or god, when down,
will make me go
the cyclops cannot frighten me
below
for i will not go

i am a ryth
i am a restless youth
but i shall keep with thee

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10:18 pm
you strutted and fretted across
every star is a raindrop waiting to fall
like a tulip
i watched you turn
you flickered
you burned

you were so lovely
it rained all around me
it rained all around me

the wayward rudder
the fleeting ship
you cruel men of rome
you hard hard hearts of stone

the tripple pillars of the world
the melted crown
of the earth

you were so lovely
the rain fell all around me
the rain fell all around me

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10:12 pm
i'm talking the rain to acapulco
i love you so much i crave you like tabbaco
maybe it was your rosy lips
that made me swim to you like a fish

cause i see you on the platform
and i see you on the street
and i miss you at night time
when i sleep

and if i could i would surely
buy you a brand new liver
an organ that could run just like a raging
stallion

get well
get well
and rage like a stallion

get well
get well
and rage like a stallion

get well
get well
and rage like a stallion
get well
get well
and rage like a stallion

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10:06 pm
at rush hour the cars
hurry along
just like a herd of running elephants
they honk and they crash
and everyone around here
just thinks about the cash
they'll make
today

all i can think of is you
i stare out the streetcar and its all i do
i just think about you
its all i ever do

cause you are the sun in my eyes
you are the sun in my eyes
you are the sun in my eyes
you are the sun in my eyes

at 8 am everyone drinks coffee

and smokes cigarettes
or they read the daily press
but i don't believe a rotten word it says
besides, just gets me depressed

and that's why i only go to you
i only go to you for the news
cause i believe in is you
and that's why i go to you for the news

cause you are the sun in my eyes
you are the sun in my eyes
you are the sun in my eyes
you are the sun in my eyes

you are the sun in my eyes
you are the sun in my eyes
you are the sun in my eyes
you are the sun in my eyes

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10:00 pm - can't stop - tearandpetal [royal city : o you with flowers]
o you with flowers
all leaned up against
and all wayward
in your eyes
drunk on the corner
with your skirt running up your thigh
when the rain came
to wet me once

my beloved
you are a crocodile
my beloved
you are a snapping crocodile

and in the colours
of the country from where you came
in the sound
your breathing makes
i stumble in
to the iris of your eye

when the rain came
to wet me once

my beloved you..
are a crocodile
my beloved
you are a snapping crocodile

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7:42 pm - i remember what this place was for!
there is a story so beautiful about a pear that I start to cry maybe 4 lines down.

I start to cry when I read college course outlines, too.

or about boats, and people going far away on boats.

or organic farming communities.

i start to cry i start to cry

today i start to cry because i've got a fever and my body is liquifying. my heart is soggy. my heart is soggy - oh, darling. my heart is soggy.

in havana the stars shine so brightly
like a thousand yellow lemons in the sky above me


my heart is an old toothbrush. my heart is an old shoe. my heart is unlaced. my heart smells like poo. my heart is a rubber band. my heart - streched, then broken - unmended.

forgotten on the doorstep.

    I got so fucked up last night.

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Tuesday, May 15th, 2001
9:43 pm - every morning i wake up real
i am so tired

so tired






i cannot sleep
i cannot breathe

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12:16 am
where am i logged on
lips across your fingers
(this is in the morning)
one large sigh

i'll just close my eyes now
i am not in my responses
oh where did i put me now
and what happened this day

i know. i know.
wake up early tomorrow.

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Monday, May 14th, 2001
6:53 am
madness is my own explanation

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Saturday, May 12th, 2001
6:31 pm
my reply:

school is getting me.
as soon as this is over i think
i'll just ride my bicycle to the lake
everynight and think it over. think
it over that i'm a simple
person. just a simple person. i'm
nothing more than a simple person and
i want nothing more than the blank
white blankness of being a simple person,
which i am.

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